"I am a sick man. ... I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased..."
MY NOTES
Underground - PART I
- I swear, gentlemen, that to be too conscious is an illness—a real thorough-going illness.
- People do pride themselves on their diseases, and I do, may be, more than anyone.
- (I have always considered myself cleverer than any of the people surrounding me, and sometimes, would you believe it, have been positively ashamed of it. At any rate, I have all my life, as it were, turned my eyes away and never could look people straight in the face.)
- Such a gentleman simply dashes straight for his object like an infuriated bull with its horns down, and nothing but a wall will stop him.
- L’HOMME DE LA NATURE ET DE LA VERITE.
- But it is just in that cold, abominable half despair, half belief, in that conscious burying oneself alive for grief in the underworld for forty years, in that acutely recognised and yet partly doubtful hopelessness of one’s position, in that hell of unsatisfied desires turned inward, in that fever of oscillations, of resolutions determined for ever and repented of again a minute later.
- The impossible means the stone wall! What stone wall? Why, of course, the laws of nature, the deductions of natural science, mathematics.
- My jests, gentlemen, are of course in bad taste, jerky, involved, lacking self-confidence. But of course that is because I do not respect myself. Can a man of perception respect himself at all?
- You know the direct, legitimate fruit of consciousness is inertia, that is, conscious sitting-withthe-hands-folded.
- Oh, gentlemen, do you know, perhaps I consider myself an intelligent man, only because all my life I have been able neither to begin nor to finish anything.
- But man has such a predilection for systems and abstract deductions that he is ready to distort the truth intentionally, he is ready to deny the evidence of his senses only to justify his logic.
- Of course boredom may lead you to anything. It is boredom sets one sticking golden pins into people, but all that would not matter. What is bad (this is my comment again) is that I dare say people will be thankful for the gold pins then.
- One’s own free unfettered choice, one’s own caprice, however wild it may be, one’s own fancy worked up at times to frenzy—is that very ‘most advantageous advantage’ which we have overlooked, which comes under no classification and against which all systems and theories are continually being shattered to atoms.
- In fact, I believe that the best definition of man is the ungrateful biped.
- He will launch a curse upon the world, and as only man can curse (it is his privilege, the primary distinction between him and other animals).
- I agree that man is pre-eminently a creative animal, predestined to strive consciously for an object and to engage in engineering—that is, incessantly and eternally to make new roads, WHEREVER THEY MAY LEAD.
- But why has he such a passionate love for destruction and chaos also? Tell me that!
- But man is a frivolous and incongruous creature, and perhaps, like a chess player, loves the process of the game, not the end of it. And who knows (there is no saying with certainty), perhaps the only goal on earth to which mankind is striving lies in this incessant process of attaining, in other words, in life itself, and not in the thing to be attained .
- But where can man go? Anyway, one can observe a certain awkwardness about him when he has attained such objects. He loves the process of attaining, but does not quite like to have attained, and that, of course, is very absurd. In fact, man is a comical creature; there seems to be a kind of jest in it all.
- Why, suffering is the sole origin of consciousness. Though I did lay it down at the beginning that consciousness is the greatest misfortune for man, yet I know man prizes it and would not give it up for any satisfaction. Consciousness, for instance, is infinitely superior to twice two makes four.
- Heine says that a true autobiography is almost an impossibility, and that man is bound to lie about himself.
A Propos of the Wet Snow - PART II
- AT THAT TIME I was only twenty-four. My life was even then gloomy, ill- regulated, and as solitary as that of a savage. I made friends with no one and positively avoided talking, and buried myself more and more in my hole. At work in the office I never looked at anyone, and was perfectly well aware that my companions looked upon me, not only as a queer fellow, but even looked upon me—I always fancied this—with a sort of loathing. I sometimes wondered why it was that nobody except me fancied that he was looked upon with aversion? [...]
- ‘I am alone and they are EVERYONE’
- In the first place I spent most of my time at home, reading. I tried to stifle all that was continually seething within me by means of external impressions. And the only external means I had was reading. Reading, of course, was a great help—exciting me, giving me pleasure and pain.
- I had no resource except reading, that is, there was nothing in my surroundings which I could respect and which attracted me.
- Already even then I had my underground world in my soul.
- To escape from their derision I purposely began to make all the progress I could with my studies and forced my way to the very top. This impressed them. Moreover, they all began by degrees to grasp that I had already read books none of them could read, and understood things (not forming part of our school curriculum) of which they had not even heard. They took a savage and sarcastic view of it, but were morally impressed, especially as the teachers began to notice me on those grounds.
GLOSSÁRIO
- Volúpia: grande prazer dos sentidos e sensações. (Eng: Volupia)
- Mujique: 1. camponês russo, de antes da revolução de 1917. 2.p.ext. homem rude, do povo. (Eng: Muzhik)
- Esfalfar: verbo & transitivo direto e pronominal - cansar(-se), fatigar(-se), extenuar(-se) devido a trabalho, esforço excessivo ou doença.
- Ignóbio: que não é nobre, que inspira horror do ponto de vista moral, de caráter vil, baixo. (Eng: Ignoble)
- Rejubilar: alegrar, contentar, satisfazer.
- Pilhérico: que diz piadas; engraçado, espirituoso, pilheriador. 2. que faz ironias, chistes; zombeteiro.
- Remendão: 1.que ou pessoa que deita remendos 2.figurado, pejorativo que ou pessoa que não é perfeita no seu trabalho; trapalhão 3.figurado, pejorativo que ou aquele que anda mal vestido, maltrapilho.
- Escamotear: 1. fazer desaparecer; 2. furtar com destreza; 3. figurado encobrir ardilosamente.
- Livresca: 1. relativo a livros; livreiro. 2. que provém unicamente dos livros e não da experiência.
- Escrínio: cofre de pequeno tamanho, ger. estofado, onde se guardam joias; guarda-joias.
- Lobrigar: enxergar com dificuldade na escuridão ou penumbra; ver a custo; entrever."lobrigamos o atalho por entre vastos arbustos".
- Exasperar: Transformar algo em incomodação ou causar sensação irritante. "Detalhista quase ao ponto de exasperar o leitor, Norman..."
- Insólito: Que não se apresenta de maneira habitual; que é raro ou incomum; anormal: problema insólito. Que se opõe à utilização das normas; que não se adequa às regras ou à tradição: modo de vida insólito.
- Atroz: intensamente cruel, desumano. difícil de controlar ou tolerar; lancinante, intolerável. (Eng: atrocious).
- Idílio: lit originalmente, entre os antigos gregos, qualquer poema curto (descritivo, narrativo, dramático, épico ou lírico). amor terno e delicado.
- Azáfama: grande pressa e ardor na execução de um serviço."graças à a. geral, foi finalizada a obra a tempo"
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